To speed things up and why I haven’t posted recently. I moved to AUSTRALIA. Whoop Whoop!! I finally took the leap. Moving here has given me so much clarity. I feel so much better fighting for my dream instead of standing on the sidelines. It’s been amazing being here. So, here’s probably the least positive post for coming back to the blog world but it’s something I’ve been dealing with back in America, too. Essentially, I haven’t had sex in about two years now and I’m just a little afraid to get back into it. Last guy broke my heart, now I have weird hang ups, etc, etc. All fun stuff really. The chance to sleep with someone is a lot easier for me to find here. Albeit, I’ve never really slept around. It’s not really my thing but here’s the running thoughts on a situation that happened yesterday morning. Let me know what you would do in my situation.
So we are encroaching on my favorite holiday, which is Easter. Holidays always make me feel all the feels. The good, the bad, and the ugly. So yesterday, I was presented with an opportunity I wish I took. It was the option to sleep with a guy I met a last week and seemed to really hit it off with. I am really angry with myself for not going through with it. There was something inside me that wanted to stop but there’s a lot of me that wished I just went through with it. It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’m so afraid I’ve fallen off the horse and I don’t know how to get back on. I wish I just went through with it and threw my hang-ups out the door. There’s only one way to get over this fear and that’s literally just doing it. I’m sure I’d prefer someone I felt more comfortable with. Plus I was coming down pretty hard from drugs and felt oddly sad and distant. That’s the main reason why I didn’t. I didn’t think I was in the right frame of mind. Maybe this will end up being a very positive thing that I didn’t. Now, I just don’t know how to be around that guy if I am to ever see him again. I’m sure I will and I’m completely positive I’d like to have sex with him. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I can’t get out of my own head with this shit. I feel so stuck and then this moment walks into my life and I don’t even consider taking it. I feel like most people would and I’m here twiddling my thumbs thinking I’m doing everything to make it happen and get over it. Clearly, I’m not. Clearly, I’m fucking myself over instead of being fucked. It just makes me feel like such an idiot. Now, I can’t stop thinking about it. What if I went through with it? What would it have been like? Why did I stop? What changed my mind? What’s he thinking about it? Should I say anything the next time I see him? Should I just go in for the kill? I don’t know. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and sort all my shit out (wouldn’t that be nice). I hope I didn’t throw away my last chance and getting over this (I mean, honestly, I know there will be more). I don’t know how I can be so lucky in all the other aspects of my life and have the worst love life ever. It amazes me. I’m am my own worst enemy on that one. **Crossing fingers** I don’t have to wait to long for the next opportunity. I just need to remember the promise I made to myself to say YES more. It wouldn’t hurt.