I’m a stranger in a strange land.

 

Lately, I have been finding it very hard pressed to be thankful.  To be thankful for the things I have and even for the things I do not have.  To live in the moment of thankfulness.  I’ve been struggling on my journey and I am trying to relearn who I am and what I want.  I feel like this is a constant challenge of my life.  Of most people’s lives, to be honest.  Coming home has been unexpected and I am constantly unhappy.  I don’t know what will make me feel okay or what can pull me out of this darkness.  I keep trying to read my own heart and identify issues but I usually think so much about it I come out even more lost.  I keep imagining myself getting on a plane and going.  Where I am not entirely sure.  My heart feels so heavy.  I’ve never been one for feeling and I am on feeling overload.  I feel so lonely.  I ache, my heart literally aches.  I finally know what that means.  I’m not sure if I am better off for it or not.  I’ve been trying to fix my focus.  Everyday I meditate on the words of Deepak Chopra’s The Soul of Healing Affirmations.  This week’s focus has been Higher Self and Intention.  Two things that are a constant struggle.  It has definitely been helping.  Listening to it a few times a day lets it sink in.  I’m contemplating getting a few dating apps and branching out but it still kind of frightens me.  To get out there when I am definitely not feeling my best self.  Especially, when I still ache for someone else and all of things I have built up in my imagination about him.  How does one grow in this state?  Trudging on, I guess.  At least I found another job to write a cover letter for  (attempting to focus on the positive).  That will take a good deal of time.  Plus, it’s at one of my dream locations and businesses.  Must press on!!  Any other suggestions on how to grow or simply just to move on?  I’m trying not to be my own worst enemy.