You know that harsh moment when you realize how clouded your judgment has become and all of a sudden the cloud has been lifted. Well, that moment has just come into my life. I would love to lie and say OMG what a relief but really I feel like an ass. I have been sick the past few days and quite bed ridden. Obviously, sickness makes you feel very sorry for yourself. The world continues on and you get to lay in bed day after day watching the world zip by. The quote by Seneca “while we are postponing, life speeds by” always rings through my head. Of course, you are completely dilapidated so, the quote rings true for a second but you do feel like you have so many things to but just can’t. Today through my cloud of a sweet mixture of medicines I actually saw clearer for once. It hit me like a pile of knives and all I get to see is the blood dripping down from them with the numbing effect of a massive injury and all. Today, I realized how jealous of someone I am. This whole time I have been battling feelings over this guy from the last post. People have put a lot of ideas in my head with their own silly thoughts and ideas on my relationship (more like an agreement). I have been going back and forth with the idea of like and love, that today I actually came across the word hate. All of this harsh revelation via Facebook messages with my mate back home in Florida. This is what ensued:
Me:
I am trying but I have so many other things going on
I am overwhelmed
It’s not just him
I think I just want to blame him for everything that is exploding around me because he’s a person and he has his plan together
He knows what he wants
I don’t
I hate it him for it
My mate:
lol…no you know you want to. you’re just mad, cause your time is being taken up by him
the time it is taking you to fight your feelings is taking away from you doing what you want. you’re really mad at him for not having the loss of time like you.
your mind is telling you he should not have everything together like you.
Me:
Yeah, I am so jealous of him
I just realized
I am jealous that he has a plan and is going after it
I am jealous his professor wants to publish his dissertation
I am jealous because I feel his friendships here in Bristol are stronger than mine
I am jealous that he is out doing cool things in London right now
and I am home sick alone
I am jealous that everyone love’s him and wants to be his friend
I am jealous that no one says anything bad about him
OMG OMG OMG OMG
Holy shit
My mate:
yes
let it out
face it
that is the best way to get over it.
Me:
I am jealous that his parents had a perfect relationship and that he wants to get married and will have an equally great relationship
I am upset that I can never be his “one” for that relationship
My mate:
now you’re facing your demons
Me:
I am jealous that he might not exactly know what he wants but he has a plan and is happy about it
I think I hate him
My mate:
lol
you hate him so much you love
him that is what you’re telling me
Me:
ugh
I am so jealous that he is laid back and nothing like me
we are total opposites
I hope that’s not what I am saying: hate him so much I love him that is
My mate:
hahaha… wouldn’t that be funny
i think you’ll be fine. you just got into something you wanted and don’t want to let it go but, you’ll get many more chances in this life
Me:
I know
I just didn’t realize
I have always known I was a jealous person. I had issues sharing things as a kid. I was the youngest in the family so, not many things were mine to begin with. Many weird hand me downs have come my way being the only girl in the family. I just didn’t realize how much it affected other aspects of my life. I have known it for some time with my best friends and getting jealous of them but I have really learned to curb that and to realize how I am so different from them a lot of the time I really don’t want what they have. Not to mention they have just as many bad things as good things that I would rather work through my own shit. I just didn’t realize how much it still affected me. I am unbelievably frustrated with myself for not realizing sooner and not seeing the warning signs. I thought I was just jealous because this is the guy I am seeing. He’s supposed to want to be with me all the time, right? (Obviously, so much logic in that statement) Not, that on top of everything, we are friends first and foremost. I am seeing a guy that I am jealous about and jealous of and it’s a conundrum to say the least. I trust him fully so the former is easier to tame but the later needs to settle. My feelings and I have surprised myself once again. Sometimes these little revelations make me so angry but you know in the end knowing the issue and understanding your reactions and why, is waaaayyyy more than half the battle. It’s all downhill from here but at least it’s not slippery and into a pile of rocks. It’s to a much better place of fully understanding myself. Now, if I could manage the jealousy and the imminent letting go I would be golden.
Keep Calm and Cougar On 