To speed things up and why I haven’t posted recently. I moved to AUSTRALIA. Whoop Whoop!! I finally took the leap. Moving here has given me so much clarity. I feel so much better fighting for my dream instead of standing on the sidelines. It’s been amazing being here. So, here’s probably the least positive post for coming back to the blog world but it’s something I’ve been dealing with back in America, too. Essentially, I haven’t had sex in about two years now and I’m just a little afraid to get back into it. Last guy broke my heart, now I have weird hang ups, etc, etc. All fun stuff really. The chance to sleep with someone is a lot easier for me to find here. Albeit, I’ve never really slept around. It’s not really my thing but here’s the running thoughts on a situation that happened yesterday morning. Let me know what you would do in my situation.
So we are encroaching on my favorite holiday, which is Easter. Holidays always make me feel all the feels. The good, the bad, and the ugly. So yesterday, I was presented with an opportunity I wish I took. It was the option to sleep with a guy I met a last week and seemed to really hit it off with. I am really angry with myself for not going through with it. There was something inside me that wanted to stop but there’s a lot of me that wished I just went through with it. It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’m so afraid I’ve fallen off the horse and I don’t know how to get back on. I wish I just went through with it and threw my hang-ups out the door. There’s only one way to get over this fear and that’s literally just doing it. I’m sure I’d prefer someone I felt more comfortable with. Plus I was coming down pretty hard from drugs and felt oddly sad and distant. That’s the main reason why I didn’t. I didn’t think I was in the right frame of mind. Maybe this will end up being a very positive thing that I didn’t. Now, I just don’t know how to be around that guy if I am to ever see him again. I’m sure I will and I’m completely positive I’d like to have sex with him. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I can’t get out of my own head with this shit. I feel so stuck and then this moment walks into my life and I don’t even consider taking it. I feel like most people would and I’m here twiddling my thumbs thinking I’m doing everything to make it happen and get over it. Clearly, I’m not. Clearly, I’m fucking myself over instead of being fucked. It just makes me feel like such an idiot. Now, I can’t stop thinking about it. What if I went through with it? What would it have been like? Why did I stop? What changed my mind? What’s he thinking about it? Should I say anything the next time I see him? Should I just go in for the kill? I don’t know. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and sort all my shit out (wouldn’t that be nice). I hope I didn’t throw away my last chance and getting over this (I mean, honestly, I know there will be more). I don’t know how I can be so lucky in all the other aspects of my life and have the worst love life ever. It amazes me. I’m am my own worst enemy on that one. **Crossing fingers** I don’t have to wait to long for the next opportunity. I just need to remember the promise I made to myself to say YES more. It wouldn’t hurt.
I got some really bad news last week. It was probably the worst news I’ve received in a while. It didn’t rock my world or my foundation however, it has definitely made me rethink a few things. I just found out that one of my old flatmates and friends from England killed herself. All right I lied it did rock my world. It was a surprise and shock. And makes me sad. It makes me so sad. That’s never the news anybody wants to receive. I know I didn’t spend much time with her but I don’t even think that matters. She was nice and lovely, and a really wonderful person from all the experiences I did have with her. I’ll never forget the way she looked at my friend and I making our turkey for Thanksgiving. She thought it was crazy how we had to take out the gizzards. It tears me up inside that this happened. It also makes me want to live. This isn’t the first time I’ve been confronted with suicide. I’ve had a family member battle with it. I just don’t know what it’s like on any personal level. I don’t understand how someone can think that’s there only option. I wish I could be empathetic but all I can be is sympathetic to the situation. I keep thinking I should change my entire life and live for her. Live for her because she wanted to go. I think that’s not quite encompassing it. I choose to live and I feel like I need to live for myself. Not because I know that life is short but because life is worth living. Despite it being seconds or years or decades left. Life is worth living. I need to change for me. I need to follow my dreams and not give up so easily. I’ve been finding procrastination as my best friend lately and we clearly need to breakup. I need to move on with Australia and not just talk about. It’s becoming that thing that makes me sound cool but it’s not. I’m just letting opportunities fly by me. Not to completely be conceited and make this about myself. I really am heartbroken over her death. It literally tears me up inside. I wish she had reached out to someone, to anyone for help. I hope her soul is at rest and finds peace.
If you’re struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide please get into contact with anyone. Here’s the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. There’s always someone willing to help! Please never forget that!
When is giving no shits become a bad thing? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself lately. I plainly do not give a shit about my job. I give no shits whatsoever. It’s hurting my work ethic. I keep telling myself I need to use this job as a decent reference but that’s not helping or reinforcing anything. I know when I don’t care about something. I get lazy, my job isn’t a challenge to begin with but when things get tough I just don’t care. I find ways to avoid work. I am late all of the time which is really bad for me. I’m not normally an on time person but with work I am always there at least five minutes early. But I don’t give a shit. I like my attitude towards most things. Not giving a shit, just being myself, and staying to true to me but having this no shit’s given attitude at work is really making me upset. I think I am just waiting for that kick in the ass about Australia. I’m so concerned with when is the right time but there’s never going to be a right time. I just need to do it. I just need to take the first step. I need to scare myself out of this cycle and take my next leap of faith. I need to take my own advice.
In other news, I’ve dated a few women here and there for a while now. I’m fairly certain I fucked up with one of them. I kind of bailed on her yesterday but I wasn’t feeling confident enough to go. It was a beach party and honestly, I haven’t been feeling confident about my body lately. I work out but I’ve put on some weight recently to eating badly. I’m trying to make a change but unfortunately I eat my feelings. I haven’t been compensating enough with my workouts. Although, I should probably work on the eating my feelings part then the working out part to be fair. Not to mention she lives far too far away to allow anything to truly progress. That kind of sucks. I like her but seeing someone every two weeks isn’t good enough for me. She hasn’t texted me back but I’m not going to sweat it. I currently have another girl trying to talk me into a threesome which really isn’t my bag. I hate telling people I’m bi and they just assume you’d be down for a threesome. Ummm, no thank you, I’m not into sharing! People are so weird. I’m glad I’m trying to get myself out there. I’ve always felt very emotionally stunted due in part to my parents relationship and my religious upbringing. I just constantly feel a bit guilty. However, at the moment I just really want to make out with someone. So that’s becoming my top priority. Luckily I go on vacation this week. So crossing my fingers for making out and maybe more. Then it’s back to the grind and kicking my own ass about Oz.
And as for the guy in the last post, we have been talking and he wants to come visit me. In either the states or when I move to Australia. I’m completely beaming with that offer. We both like each other and although the distance makes things kind of weird I’m so excited.
A lesson I seem to keep relearning is to say “yes” more. I tend to hide my true feelings and hide behind my comfort zone. I just need to say yes more often. Finding my voice and speaking that word is something I’m not great at. I constantly feel like I lose my voice and lose all of my expressions. I recently had a moment where I wish I had said yes to someone. I wish I had said yes to him because I don’t know when I’ll see him again. Saying yes would’ve answered my questions about him. Yet, here I am back home and wondering if he felt the same. Wondering if what I felt was something he was on the same page about. I’ve been terribly binge eating since I got home from the UK. I know it’s because I’m not dealing with my feelings. I know where it’s coming from. I just want change so badly but I settle right back into my comfort zone. Instead of pursuing my wants I continually allow myself to settle. I’m settling back into my shit job and substandard lifestyle. I just need to say yes. I wish I did in that moment. That moment has passed. I am back in America and I am at a loss for words. The only thing that has reignited in me is too look for jobs in England again. I haven’t given up on Australia but if I can find something I’ll take it. England is my second home. I love myself so much more when I am there. I like who I become. I like the change I feel. I like the change I see in myself. It feels so natural. I don’t want to give up on that dream and allow myself to settle. I just wish I had said yes to him. To concede to my feelings and emotions. To crawl next to him and ask him to tell me to stay. Him telling me it was hard to watch me go. That killed me in the after thought. It’s irrelevant now but I wish I found my voice instead of being such a fucking pussy.
Now for something not very profound at all about cake:
It’s amazing how people come and go in your life. I feel like every person I meet steals a little piece of me. Sometimes I feel like a birthday cake with everyone taking their little slice of me and becoming the leftover crumbs and little slivers of icing left on the platter. I’m sugary good but if you take too much you’re overwhelmed by the high you get. Becoming just like me, a little ball of energy, only to crash and burn into regrets of having the cake to begin with. Some take little slices maybe they’re concerned with what will happen if they take a bigger piece but they still want to try it. Some take the perfect slice with just enough of everything. Yet still, I’m left as the empty platter giving pieces of me to all who meet. It’s an ever growing abundance of me that never seems to wear or thin. I just serve and watch the aftermath of what it’s like to meet me. Sometimes happy to be giving it out and other times really wanting that piece of me back. I’ll never get any of it back. It’s yours to keep and I hope you treat it well.
In other news, I will be leaving for ENGLAND in seven days for a much needed vacation. Work has been soul sucking lately and I could use a solid break of booze and friends. I’m elated to be going back to a place I feel I truly belong. Get ready for massive amounts of pictures when I get back and maybe a few drunken stories filled with wonderful awkwardness.
I’m back to the old ways of writing drunk and editing sober. I feel like this is the few times I can be rather honest with myself. I’ve turned over several new leafs if you will and changed several strategies. I’m still thinking about Australia even if sometimes when I think too long I can actually talk myself out of it. I’m thoroughly thinking of quitting my job. It’s providing me with nothing. No new skills no new anything. Plus the fact that I hate it is certainly helping. Going days without anything to do is driving me insane. Actually crazy. I have too much time to think and I actually hate it. It’s made worse by the fact that I think I am smarter than everyone I work with. Inflation of my ego is always terrible but the fact that I am overly practical and very well thought out makes everything worse. I know I am more well read and more intelligent and more concerned with the world than everyone I work with. I should honestly bring my master’s degree to show everyone how supposedly smart I am. Now these attributes don’t make the best employer at work but they make me feel better but also quite sad. Now for the dilemmas I’ve been dealing with. Continue reading →
I know I haven’t written in awhile or given updates about moving to Australia. This is mainly due to the fact that I am still waiting for my new passport. I have decided to visit England and visit a few of my mates. Of course, waiting for my passport has put booking the tickets on the backboard. I find this so frustrating mainly, because work as approved my days off. It takes them ages to approve things but this went swiftly. It’s kind of my silver lining. Since I do not have much of an update I’m going to share a short poem I wrote a year ago. It was during a very rough time but it still rings true. It’s about walking away from chasing a relationship that’s no longer realistic or healthy. Amongst all of my idealism I am glad I have my practical mind on my side. Here it goes:
These streets are yours and they are littered with the thoughts of you
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